When I was a teenager “Pride Month” was a time for me to wear rainbows, kiss my girlfriend in public and march in the NYC parade. I was president of my high school gay/straight alliance and of Rutgers University’s BiGLARU so each June was filled with activities that made me feel important and included.
Pride month is going to be a little quieter this year… our son, Finn, is on a stringent nap schedule so there will be no marching in parades… and we were going to go to Pride in Asbury Park but we actually got my sister to babysit for the day and we decided we would much rather go to a spa!
So what is Pride Month to me now? It’s a time for me to reflect on the amazing family I have but also a time to remember the struggles we face. I could go on and on but I’m just going to focus on one aspect of our lives because I believe it may resonate with some of you out there: Babies, Fertility and Adoption.
Finn is now 20 months old. I literally knew since I was five years old that I wanted kids. I wanted to start young (first kid by 25). That’s not what happened because a lesbian couple having a child takes some doing and costs a lot of money! We went to a fertility specialist shortly after my mother passed away, when I realized that life is too short to wait for the perfect moment to do something big. We walked out of the office completely overwhelmed and I remember thinking “If we were straight, we would just have sex and make a baby.” Of course there are many families (of any orientation) who this is not true for; but for me, I didn’t have any preconceived fertility issues, I just didn’t have sperm. So for those of you who haven’t gone through this process, the following were some requirements: track my ovulation and go for bloodwork and ultrasounds on various days to get a “baseline,” pick a sperm donor, read through all of the donors issues to make sure he would be a good fit genetically, seek genetic counseling, get clearance from a therapist (yes you read that right), get a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), get a saline sonogram, medications, shots… I think I got it all. At the end of it all, I felt defective and like I knew way more about my uterus than I ever wanted to know. But, I was cleared to move forward so I did a cycle of intrauterine insemination (IUI). I was sure I was pregnant because not getting pregnant never even crossed my mind. I didn’t get pregnant during the first round and I was completely crushed. I always assumed it would just work and when it didn’t, the fears started to creep in. Luckily for me I did get pregnant during my second round of IUI. We had a perfect baby boy (Finn) and launched into parenthood.
My issue with all of this is that it was such a process and it was very expensive. New Jersey does not cover IUI treatments for lesbian couples because there is no perceived fertility issue. I will never forget the conversation Molly (my wife) had with the health insurance rep, she said, “Well I keep trying to get her pregnant but it just isn’t working.” The rep laughed and apologized for the lack of support on the side of insurance companies but there was nothing else she could do.
I have a number of very dear friends (heterosexual) who do in fact have fertility complications and some have had to spend quite a lot of money so I know this is not all unique to Molly and I. My issue is that we are thrown into this process and financial hardship because we want children and we are a lesbian couple, there is no other reason.
Where does adoption come into play? Well believe it or not, Molly has to adopt our son. We need a lawyer (actually found a great one), background checks, home check, court date, and more money. Molly’s name is on his birth certificate and we are legally married but those documents aren’t enough. I was completely blown away and am sad to say that for various reasons, we have not yet completed the adoption process.
New Jersey, the United States, much of the world: there is more to do, I hope those teenagers keep marching and I will join them again in a few years.
So tell me about your pride month, or fertility and baby-making journey. And to end on a happy note, here’s a picture of our beautiful family. One of our dogs even managed to do a photo bomb and smile :)
6/2/2017 03:10:50 pm
This was a such wonderful and personal blog to read. I hope the United States continues to move in a hopeful path for everyone!
Heather Deren Allen
6/2/2017 03:39:14 pm
Wishing you both an easier time with the adoption process. It seems unfathomable to me that in 2017 anyone has to adopt their own child when their name is on the birth certificate. Keep persisting... you two deserve the family you've dreamed of!
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